The Battle is to Rest

I woke up this morning with anxiety about money. My fear is large and looming and eats up any hope that I had. Already though, I sense God directing me away from my fear through an email this morning of how He has used me in a friend's life. He is still at work. As I flipped through the pages of my journal to start writing, some words jumped out at me.

I have a lot of guilt mixed in with my anxiety about money. From my notes on some of John Pipers sermons, he says that the biblical criteria for guilt or shame is radically God-centered. What I should be ashamed of is anything that dishonors God, not ME. My feelings of guilt are often rooted in self-centeredness and it is my unbelief that feeds it. Have I dishonored God by not having enough money? No. Have I made spending choices that did not honor God? Probably. But as I confess and pray for more wisdom, I know that my anxiety about money is not coming from that one area of true guilt. My self-centeredness in wanting to feel good about myself because my financial ducks are in a row is unbelief that is feeding my fear and shame. I want to be honored for being thrifty or for having a budget that works, even if it's only me honoring myself. God is not honored in any of that. In fact, in my life, God seems to delight in bringing honor to himself through very difficult financial situations that He faithfully brings us through. I look back and praise him for his provision. His timing has NEVER been on my schedule, and yet he has amazed us with his goodness in giving us what we truly need.
John Piper also talks about fighting for joy. He says that joy is a gift that cannot be strived for. The fight is not to grab onto joy, the fight is to relax in God and not__________. Today I will write "financial security" in the blank. The battle is to rest. To see God. To desire to honor him.

I flip over a few more pages in my journal to my notes on "Captivating" by John and Stasi Eldridge."Do not give way to fear" (I Peter 3:6) . This is taken from a passage of scripture written to women (from which "Captivating" draws out many gems of truth), and speaks of the kind of beauty that is valuable to God. I Peter 3:4 says that it is the "unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit"; that is, a heart of faith. A woman of beauty is a woman who is not striving. Beauty flows from a heart at rest. My fear (and my anxiety about money) keeps me from being a woman of true beauty. Fear, misplaced shame, and selfishness are ugly and heavy burdens to carry. It is easy to "give way to fear" and when I look at my situation I see many reasons to fear. But the battle is to rest, to find God to be enough, to allow him to bring honor to his name through my situation.
Lord, give me a heart of faith.

For those of you who might be dealing with this same issue as a wife or mother, When Queens Ride By is a story that is one of my all-time favorites and never fails to renew my focus. I highly recommend that you go read it here. Pin It