I've been thinking I should blog about why I haven't been blogging. Did you catch the problem in that statement? It's actually the answer to why I haven't written. I've been depressed. Not everyday, but I have been struggling with it throughout this pregnancy and I think since I only have 34 or so days left until this baby arrives it's time to come clean. It's hard for me to blog when I am depressed, or even if I was depressed yesterday because I don't want to think about my life. I just want to get through it the best I can and not analyze it. I don't want to make my life sound any worse or any better than it is and I have a fear that whatever I write will do that. I also think about all the different people I know who read this and worry what they will think about this or that thing that I write. I just want to hide until I feel better.
Apparrently the hormones that are rushing through my body to make this baby grow are stronger than the medication I take to keep my brain from crashing. I tried taking more of it but it just made me so sleepy I couldn't do anything. I think, in retrospect, maybe I should have just tried a different drug earlier on. But now I want to wait until the baby comes and see what happens. My family, my therapist, and now all of you, know that my depression might worsen postpartum and that I would need to get more help, but there is also the possibility that I might start to feel better. So I will wait it out one day at a time. If you see me and I am smiling, know that I am not trying to pretend to be happy, I am probably just okay at that moment. I seem to be able to do and think about some things but not others. I am looking forward to seeing this new baby, and my newest little nephew, but let's not talk about money, or the middle east, or health care, or christian persecution, or missions or child abuse okay? Those are some of my recent triggers into the depths of despair and I can't seem to distance myself from the emotional part of them right now.
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Good to get a real update from your family. I assumed since we hadn't heard, everything was going well. I guess I kind of assumed wrong. I'll be in prayer for you especially these next 31 days! I remember when I was pregnant, I had such horrible fears of people dying or me falling and injuring the baby. I think that's a normal part of pregnancy. You are right, the hormones are running wild! I pray you'll be able to enjoy these last few days of Beatrix inside of you before she makes her grand entrance; something you've been waiting for for years! Love you, Selena
ReplyDeleteMy almost-10 y/o saw the p-doc today. He's been on maintenance meds for nearly 2 years. Considering family history, I'm thankful his issues were identified early. I'm thankful for meds. Thankful for counseling. Thankful that he gets a chance to develop good patterns of dealing with live, instead of getting stuck in dysfunction.
ReplyDeleteAnd at the same time I'm angry. I think it isn't fair. Kids shouldn't have to deal with mental illness.
What is wrong with this screwed up world when a pretty normal, pretty stable, imperfect but loving family isn't "enough" to help a kid get a good start. . . Shouldn't that prevent anxiety and depression?! My goodness! I put my 8 y/o on prozac! (And I thank God for it. . .)