I'm hooked

I never thought it would happen. I have become a true blogger. I read AND write blogs, I check them daily, and I laugh and cry with my fellow bloggers.  I sit in front of my screen and tears roll down my face as I read what other women have written, what they are living, how they draw others closer to God through their stories. I want to introduce you to two blogs that have blown me away recently.

The first is My Charming Kids.

This is the site I have had in my sidebar as a prayer request. God is doing miraculous things in this unborn baby's life and it's faith-challenging to watch. I love this blog because I am reminded to pray and that God responds to our prayers, and because the photos are so beautiful.

The second is Bring the Rain.

I read this one last night with tears falling like rain. God answered this family's prayers in a different way, and somehow the beauty of life and family is no more apparent than in this story. The pictures and words are beyond moving, and the Sovereignty of God shines through each detail. Here's an excerpt that I love:

(A 5 year old makes a picture for her newborn sister who has recently died)

"I want to give it to her, mommy.  I want to put it in her basket." 

They call her "casket" a "basket," and we don't correct them, because frankly, I like the idea of a basket better anyway.

"OK."  Now what do I say? How am I going to explain this to a 5 year old?

 She looked at me, waiting.

"So..should we put it in the mailbox, mommy? Will the man come and get it?"  

She wanted to understand the details of our new situation, and the truth at that moment was that I did too.

"Well, Abby, the great thing about heaven is that Audrey can see all of the things that we are doing down here.  AND, she can see what you made for her!  She can just look right into our house and see it."  I waited to see how this felt to her.

Without a word, she spoke life back into my tired bones.

She took the edges of the drawing delicately and lifted it high above her head, closer to her baby sister.  She had her head tipped back, looking upward, and after a few seconds, she closed her eyes and a smile made it's way across her face.

"She liked it, didn't she?" I asked her quietly.

She nodded, still glowing, and ran off to play.

I don't know where you are tonight, or what hurts you are holding up to God, but I will promise you this.  If you can just trust Him enough to bring it to Him, He will rejoice in your masterpiece.  And if you need to scream a little, know that you have a God who can take that too, as long as your face is tilted (even slightly) toward Him."

You need to go read some more of this blog, but make sure you have tissues handy.

Pin It

Normal

I went to see my doctor for a check-up on Tuesday. The miscarriage was complete with no complications and he sees no signs of any problems that require future intervention. I did ask for some blood tests which he agreed to although we don't expect to find a problem there either. It is hard to accept, but miscarriage is normal. Even recurrent miscarriage is normal. Research shows that even after 3 or 4 miscarriages most women will go on to have a healthy pregnancy without any intervention. Do we plan to try again? Well, there is something about having a miscarriage that makes us want to fight all the harder to bring another life into this world. To do that we have to get back on the roller coaster, but hey, that's normal around here. It's hard for us to say that we "plan" to have another baby. Early in our marriage we asked God to give us children as he saw fit, and then began waiting on him to give us a baby. You could say we have experienced infertility at various times, but on the other hand, we have two children and we were serious when we put our family in his hands. Even when we make decisions regarding our family, God is always reminding us that he is the author of life. He gives and he waits to give, he takes and he gives us himself.
In the reading that I have been doing since the miscarriage, I have been awed by the mystery surrounding the beginning of life. I had no idea that we know so little about why life begins and why it doesn't or why it ends so quickly. The sovereignty of God is nowhere more vital and powerful than the sacred beginning of the smallest embryo. This intersection of the physical and spiritual is holy ground, the miraculous "normal", that we take for granted... until it's gone.
Of the three miscarriages I have had, this one was the hardest. I don't imagine they get any easier, and I realize that if I do become pregnant, I could go through this all over again. But it's just as likely that I could go on to have a healthy baby. And we're back to the sovereignty of God. I cannot trust in statistics, no matter how favorable they may be. They tell me nothing of the story of my life that God is writing. I have no idea whether we will have more children, and I will not pretend that I am in control of it. I have been reminded of the fragility of life, and my place in the hands of the Creator. Pin It

Healing

As the song says, I am being held. By love and prayers and really tight hugs.
I am healing, but I am not, as someone told me, "amazing". You might like to know that I too screamed at God in the night. Those words that came when I could not form any others, when anger was my first and all encompassing emotion. But as I came to the moment when my baby slipped away I felt the grace of God melt all of that anger into a sad acceptance. I don't know how He did it, but I know it wasn't me. He gives life, and He takes it, and he caresses my rage into gentle tears. He takes my chin in his hand and gently turns my head.
My girls are beautiful. They are happy and full of the promise of spring. They are muddy and sunkissed and stomping the last pile of snow, barefoot in bikinis. They are giggling in the bath and ask "Mom, what is that animal with a squarish nose that likes to go in the water sometimes, but lives on land? It's a something-bara". "A capybara.", I said. "Yes! We are capybaras and we have to wash our fur now." They are playing baseball and floating boats and drawing fairies and birds. All is right with girlhood at this glorious moment of spring. This, too, holds me. Pin It

“The greatest ignorance is to reject something you know nothing about”

I have an idea. It's an assignment for everyone who has an opinion: Define mental illness. That's it. But here's the catch; it's a closed book, closed screen test. You do have a life line.... a phone-a-friend who has a close family member with a mental illness. Don't know anyone? You probably do, but you don't know it yet. Start asking questions. Start with depression. Does anyone you know live with someone who is depressed? No, you can't open your Bible and see where your finger lands, and you can't raise your hand and ask your pastor who has all the answers. You have to ask someone who is hurting. The person who's been there, done that, and wears the T-shirt, because it's the only one clean.

If the subject comes up before you get around to this, you don't have an opinion. Period. You can tell us about the moccasins after you've worn them for awhile. Until then, please just keep your mouth closed. Once you do get a chance to ask someone what it's like, then you may open your book, The Book, and read about Jesus' compassion for people who are sick, lost, and rejected by those around them. Write your definition on tear stained paper only, please. Put it in a folder labeled "someday", and review it if mental illness ever comes to visit your family. One in five families in America deal with a mental disorder of some kind.

After you use your phone-a-friend, you might find that the person on the other end is someone who needs a life line too. You might even find that by talking about the struggles of life together, it doesn't matter anymore what kind of struggles they are. Only that there is grace for each of us in this moment. Not because mental illness doesn't exist, but because God does. Pin It

The Sovereign Surgeon

I was starting to worry this morning and turned those thoughts into prayers. I was praying that God would guard and protect my daughter's hearts from emotional trauma and pain, and then I realized... that was not really what I wanted to pray for them. We all need experiences of pain over the course of our lives to make us deep, feeling, knowing, and loving people. And yet, some kinds of painful experiences can be be so devastating in a young person's life. They can be disabling and haunting. As I prayed for my girls, I asked the Lord to be the heart surgeon in their lives. That every cut that must be made, would be made by His expert hands; precisely, lovingly, for their good, and for His glory. Amen Pin It